"Dating is Pointless" | How My Perspective on Dating Almost Ruined My Marriage

I've said it my whole life, and I've heard it my whole life:

"Dating is pointless. It's completely pointless. It's a waste of my money (especially when I'm buying), and it's a waste of my time."

That's what I said throughout high school, and that's what I said before serving a mission for two years in El Salvador. And I even felt that way during my college years as I was actually trying to get married.

And I know many of you have often felt the same way.

We often hear that we need to be dating throughout our teenage years, but we're not told why. We're told to not have serious relationships, not to date the same person too frequently, and not have physically intimate relationships.

But we're supposed to date often.

But we're not supposed to be in relationships.

But we're supposed to date often.

Wait, what?

When I was in high school, I know I felt this was quite the confusing paradox. I would constantly tell my relentlessly nagging mother, "What's the point? You expect me to go out and spend $25 dollars on dinner for a girl that I'll never go on a date with again and possibly create a forever awkward friendship afterward?"

"Yes."

And if I really like her, I shouldn't date her exclusively?

"No."

"Why should I even date then?"

"Because it's good for you."

That didn't quite cut it.

So, I never went on dates.

Well, let's fast forward a few years and talk about why I should have dated. And when I say dated, I mean "go on dates." I do not mean exclusively date during the teenage years. I mean the "ask-a-girl-out-to-dinner-and-spend-some-time-quality-conversational-time-together" thing.

In my senior year of college, and after serving an LDS mission, a girl I met when I was sixteen at EFY was returning home from her mission. We had maintained sporadic contact throughout our high school years, but that was all. We never dated, and were never exclusive.

Me (Taylor) and my then-future-wife, Jazmyn | EFY 2009 (pictured right)

We wrote back and forth through snail mail for 3.5 years, and I knew mutual feelings were starting to develop. Although we never talked about dating or marriage, in the back of my mind, I knew that was where things were going.

I even remember, on multiple occasions before she returned from Brazil, a strong, compelling feeling telling me: You're going to marry this girl. Jazmyn is going to be your wife.

If anybody had a reason not to date, it was me. Why would I date if I already semi-knew who I was going to marry? So I didn't date. I waited for her to get home.

Boom botta bing, she came home, we dated, were engaged within two months, married within five months, and are living the dream, right?

WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

And let me tell you why.

Well, she returned home, and we went on our first date the day after. And she was quiet. Really quiet. Perhaps it was because she had been home for less than 24 hours, and had no idea what the hell was going on.

But that was the day it hit me.

Anxiety hit me in the face. And it hit me hard.

All of a sudden, I couldn't control my thoughts from becoming overly analytical. All of a sudden, my mind was grabbing hold of every word she would say, analyzing it, and extrapolating crazy conclusions and meaning.

If she said "like" too many times in a sentence, my mind would grab hold of it, analyze it, and make conclusions:

• She's not a good communicator.
• She's not very articulate.
• Maybe she's not even that smart. 

I tried to shake it off, and continued to spend time with her. Even though the thoughts continued, I would try to do things to show my love for her, to deepen my love for her, and to help those thoughts subside. 

But they only got worse. 

As we continued to date, I became in a constant state of anxiety. It didn't matter what she would wear-- my mind would analyze her high heels, her dress, her blaring red lipstick (which I love now), her word choice, texting style, grades, and everything else. 

And most of all, her "spirituality"-- how she prayed, what she said, how she talked about church, how she talked about reading her scriptures, her calling, her comments at church, what she wore on general conference days, and what each one of those revealed about her "spirituality."

My mind was constantly racing at 100mph all the time. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't study. I even started to avoid spending time with her because every time I would, my mind would immediately become anxious about the "big decision," trigger the fear, and begin to tell me every reason why I shouldn't move forward. 

The anxiety numbed my feelings of love and affection. It executed a complete override on the twitterpation, honeymoon phase, and the joy of the ride.

The worst part about this picture is that a lot of time, these scenarios felt logical, even when I cognitively recognized they were illogical.

I would do everything I could to relax, spend time with her, have fun, show my love, and deepen my love. I wrote letters, wrote lists of gratitude, and strengthened myself spiritually. I fasted and prayed constantly for this anxiety to subside, but it didn't. 

I would only get a feeling that I needed to move forward. The lack of relief from these feelings plagued me, and it became incredibly exhausting... and even confusing. I mean, haven't we been told that if it's the right thing to do, we'll feel peace about it? Well, any peace I felt was always accompanied by more anxious thoughts, analysis, and that pit in my stomach. 

So I continued to face this uphill battle. We continued dating. I knew it was the right thing to marry her. 

To spare you a long story, I kept moving forward. And even more surprisingly, my poor fiance kept moving forward. She stuck through on the craziest roller coaster of her life. She held on, and God bless her soul for it. 

After I called off the wedding at least five times (including the day before), I came through. And so did she. We got married. 

Wedding Day | April 24, 2015 :)

And although the anxiety (and future depression) didn't start to subside for a long time, it's continued to get better. 

So that brings me back to my main point.

First things first, I love my wife. And I love being married. You must understand that. Never before have I learned so much, grown so much, and experienced some of the deepest feelings of joy, admiration, gratitude, compassion, and love.

Secondly, I recognize I am more anxiety-prone that most. And have some issues to work through. :)

But more importantly, I realize that dating (going on dates in high school and pursuing real relationships in young adulthodd that may have led to breakups, heartbreak, and hardship) would have helped me avoid the following pitfalls: 

• Unrealistic expectations. Actually, completely unreachable expectations. My lack of experience caused me to have expectations that were completely unreachable. These unreachable unexpectations caused me to become anxious when things didn't match the expectations I had subconsciously created. Dating would have helped me understand what to realistically expect. It would have helped me come back down to earth. :) And it would have allowed me to better discern and distinguish through real, meaningful experience (and more sooner realize how fantastic my wife was). 

• Inability to make decisions. For all of you out there who have never dated (or dated infrequently), I promise you that when the time comes to make the marriage decision, you will struggle. You will constantly be wondering if the grass is greener on the other side, if there is someone better out there, if now's the right time, and if she's good enough for you. You will find yourself in a state of paralysis, and it may even cause you to lose someone who is truly incredible and right for you. 

• Inability to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is hard. It's hard to sit across in a one-on-one situation, open up, and share your weaknesses, fears, and create emotional connections. But you will not have a successful marriage if you cannot be vulnerable. Vulernability doesn't happen through one-night stands, constant makeout sessions, and group hangouts. Vulnerability comes from real (not virtual) interaction, one-on-one time, and the conscious decision to listen (and I understand this may apply more young adults than high schoolers). Essentially, vulnerability comes from dating. 

• Inability to tolerate. Oh wait, you mean the person I'm going to marry isn't perfect? Yup, that's right. And neither are you. Although my wife is incredible, she has imperfections (and if you haven't figured out that I have some by reading this article, go read it again). She struggled to communicate at the beginning. And ya know what? That's alright. Dating would have given me the ability to be more tolerant of those imperfections, better understand how to deal with them, understand them, sympathize, empathize, and better communicate. 

• and many more. :) 

Although I fully recognize I would have experienced some anxiety if I would have gone on 1,000 dates before getting married, I know making the marriage decision and actually getting married would have been an easier, more pleasant experience for me (and my wife). Remember, that strong confirming feeling does not mean the decision will be easy. For many, the ability to make that decision only comes through real experience. Repeated, learned experience.

Bottom line: Date. Go on dates. I'm not claiming it will fix all your problems, nor am I claiming that every one of you unmarried millennials falls in this bucket (if only life was that easy). But the $25 you spend on a date is a much cheaper price to pay than sleepless nights, a year of anxiety, and even possibly losing a fantastic, lifetime-worthy companion.

And for all of those you who keep giving dating another chance, I deeply respect you. And I undoubtedly believe that when the time and person is right, the decision will be easier for you than it was for me. You will feel a sense of security, confidence, and peace as you make the decision to get married.